Feeling bloggy

Life has been hectic, but good. My job (going on 6 months!) is going pretty well. I think I’ve settled in and my coworkers seem to appreciate me. I am still liking it. My husband survived the relatively recent cutbacks at his office. I think he will always be leery of his own job security (which is not uncommon in the video game industry), but he is less paranoid at the moment than he was in the month or so leading up to those layoffs. He is busier now, of course, but I think we are both quite happy that he is still employed. And hey! He was able to take a week off for Thanksgiving, which I know he was particularly thankful for.

I am firmly in the third trimester now (middle of the seventh month), and looking about as big as I was during the eighth month when I was pregnant with Alex. I cannot remember all of the details of my first pregnancy, but I’m almost positive I am more ungainly now than I was then. This little girl has laid low pretty much this entire time. The positive aspect of this is that I’m not dealing with tiny toes kicking up against my lungs. The negative is that I have to pee (and watch out for those pregnancy “accidents”) as if this were the ninth month. Being a little bigger this time around has also led to more frustration with my clothing situation. I really don’t know how I’m going to be able to comfortably fit into anything warm in January, once I hit the home stretch. I’ll be working up until I go into labor, if all continues as well as it has been, but with Alex I worked from home in my pajamas and sweat pants for the entire last month. I do not think I will be able to do this with my new employer. And while I really want this little girl to make it full term, I am also experiencing the “get this baby the hell out of here” feelings way earlier than I did with her big brother. Have I mentioned that I don’t like being pregnant? I sure do love the baby part, though.

Alexander is, I think, pretty excited about being a big brother now. He’s 3, so he’s obviously not understanding all of what is to come, but he’s onboard. He talks to the baby and likes to give her zuberts (adorable and annoying at the same time, considering it’s my tummy he’s giving them to). He’s ready to share all of his baby toys with her and is stoked that he has an official big boy bed, complete with big boy sheets, now that the toddler bed is once again a crib and out of his room. At the same time, he is very much a 3 year old and we have had the pleasure of frequent meltdowns and tantrums. Some mornings he just doesn’t want to go to day care and he will kick and scream and cry himself silly as we get increasingly short-tempered. He is also more difficult to deal with at bed time, particularly if he missed a nap that day. He’s pretty well potty-trained now, and most times he will go and take care of business completely on his own. His new thing is that he wants to wear undies to bed. We’ve tried undies to bed a few times in the last couple of months, but we almost always have an accident in the middle of the night. So our parental default position is diapers are for sleeping because waking up to use the toilet is a very difficult thing to do. He has become downright violent these past few nights when we’ve insisted on diapers. You’d think he was being physically assaulted the way he screams about “no diapers!” over and over again. So, last night we went full-on undies to bed and he was accident free. I’m not holding my breath that my son is fully potty-trained, but it was a small victory for him. As long as he keeps it up, we won’t be able to get him in diapers ever again. He’s a good kid most of the time, though, and I’m fairly certain we spoil him. Without a doubt, he gets more stuff than Chris or I ever did as kids. I hope this will change as we become a four person family.

We spent the long Thanksgiving weekend up at my mother-in-law’s house in Grand Rapids (MN). It is always nice to have a break from cooking every meal and Alex is finally of an age where he knows what “going to grandma’s house” means. They have a cat and a popcorn machine, and these are currently two of his favorite things. He spent so much time petting the kitty and following her around and asking for popcorn every day. I wish I had taken pictures of this. I feel bad that Chris is so allergic, but Alex and I are cat people. Someday there will be a kitty in our house. We also got our first big snowfall of the season on Thanksgiving day. We enjoyed sitting in the log cabin with a fire roaring in the fireplace, watching the fluffy white snow falling down. On Friday, we had fun playing in it before the windchill forced us back inside. Kids and snow, you guys. It is a magical thing.

We decorated the house for the holidays the weekend before heading up to grandma’s. I’ve always liked this part of the holidays (that and the food), but it is better with your own children. It just is. And though I’m hopefully agnostic/logically atheist, I keep up with holiday cheer because it is just that. Cheery. And I love my family. And it has always been good times for them. Decorating the house, baking Christmas cookies, sharing love and joy and presents… It gets me right in the feels. Every. Time. Alex helped hang ornaments on the tree and has been excited about plugging in the Christmas lights every evening. Our inherited Christmas tree is actually starting to fall apart this year, though. So I’ve been eyeballing those already wired with lights fake ones at the store. In my mind’s eye I’m rubbing my hands together covetously, going “Soon, my pretty. Soon.” Of course I like the frosted Spruce one, the – if you know me well, then you guessed it – most expensive one. Other than that, I’ve been having a pretty good time picking out presents for myself and my loved ones. I’ve been trying not to spend too much, but at the same time I just want to. It’s good for the economy and all, yeah? My poor bank account. But still, I feel good about it. I also get the entire week between Christmas and New Year’s off this year. Three cheers for working for a company that forces a shut down. There will be holiday baking and final preparation of the hand-made things for baby and, if we’re really lucky, family in our home for Christmas. All of these things make me happy.

We all have our faults

You guys, I have all these ideas that I want to put into action. Stories I want to tell. Endeavors I want to launch with friends. But I wonder if I’ll ever have the discipline to put things into motion, much less stick with it.

Granted, I am currently parenting a rambunctious 3 year old boy while 5 months pregnant with my second child. I’m exhausted, physically and mentally. My husband has been in video game industry crunch time for the last month or two, maybe three, I’ve lost track. I am constantly overwhelmed by this sense of urgency to pay off a more-than-a-molehill-not-quite-a-mountain of debt.

Maybe these are all just excuses and the truth is that I’m just too lazy to put in the extra effort that would be required. Even with all my complaints about life, it has been easy for me. I’ve never had to try hard. I’d say try hard just to skirt by, but the truth is I typically clear the hurdles in my life with very little effort and a lot of room to spare. Boy am I spoiled.

I have come to realize that the OCD I always joked about being mildly saddled with may actually be real. My compulsions are mild, but all my life, whenever I’ve been faced with the possibility of failure, I tend to disappear into a book or my imagination until the very last second, when I have no choice but to do whatever it is. I have always struggled with my perfectionism and it has been hard for me to put myself out there unless I can guarantee that I’m going to be absolutely awesome. The easiest way to completely disinterest me in anything is to say “Oh, don’t worry about that, do it as quickly as you can and ignore all those mistakes.” Otherwise known as We Don’t Have Time To Fix It. And then I’m all, “Well, fuck it! What’s the point of trying at all? Do-do-do, gonna look this fascinating thing up on Wikipedia…”

3 hours later… “Oh shit! I have to get this work done.” Stress. Stress. Stress. Maybe I get it done in time, maybe just a little bit late. And then I berate myself for putting off til tomorrow what I should have done today. A bit like this post, eh?

I’ve discovered and admitted my faults. When does Step 2 of this internet self-help thing kick in? Am I going to be playing Skyrim for the rest of my life?

More on the OCD front, because people are always, “No, you don’t have a real disorder. You just have a discipline problem.” I experience minor irritation at things being “not quite right”. Doesn’t matter what it is. Paragraph font size changes half a point in the middle of a page? Eye twitch. One sleeve is slightly longer than the other when pulled up on my forearms? Physically uncomfortable for the rest of the day. When things are not put away properly in their place I experience blind rage. Ask my husband. I often consider smacking him with that wooden spoon he put away in the drawer instead of the container on the counter Where. It. Belongs. TV volume up too loud? I will murder a bitch. Seriously. If any of you ever hear of me snapping and going on a murderous rampage, the first question you should ask is how loud the TV was right before it happened. FYI, it’s just the TV. I love to rock out with some headphones in or driving in my car. Movie theaters also pose no problem. Fucking weird, right?

OCD doesn’t mean I’m all Howard Hughes. Microbes are fascinating!

Busy few months


It has been a busy couple of months around here. Just a little over one month after I was “let go”, I started my new job. It is similar work to what I did before but all around better in every possible way. The money is better, the employer is better, my boss is better. The only downside is that it is now more difficult to see my friends from the old job. You guys, I miss you! I’ll try and arrange an apple-picking date this Fall. Yes?

The day after I accepted my new job I found out that after months of trying we are finally going to have another baby. Apparently I needed to be stress-free. So, here we are, approximately 14 weeks along. Baby is doing well. We won’t know if it’s a boy or girl for another month and a half or so, but the plan is to find out. We are steadily preparing Alex for big brother status. He does and doesn’t get it, as you’d expect of a three year old. He knows there is a baby in Mommy’s belly. He wants a baby in his belly too. Getting him to stop jumping into my lap is still a challenge, though. Chris and I are equally excited and worried about having another little one. Things are looking up for the both of us, but considering we have both lost jobs within the last couple of years it is difficult to let go of the “what-ifs”.

That being said, we upgraded my MINI on Saturday. I am torn between sorrow/regret at trading in my 2006 Cooper, that I’ve had and loved for the last six years, and being stoked about the MINI Countryman and its awesomeness. And it is pretty awesome. It is also green with a white roof, like my old MINI, with the added bonus of the cold-weather package (heated seats, washer jets, and mirrors), now that I am no longer parking in a garage at work. Well, that and the four doors. I initially thought I’d be able to do two little kids in my two-door Cooper, but as my mid-section has already started to expand, I’ve had to come face-to-face with the cold, hard truth: Ain’t no way in hell I’d be able to strap Alex into his car seat with a giant 9-months pregnant belly. So, now we have plenty of room for a toddler seat and an infant seat, as well as some things in the back, and it is a relief. Of course, we also have to deal with car payments again, so there is that. I’ll be posting a picture of my old Cooper and my new Countryman side-by-side soon.

There have been a lot of ups in the last few months, but I’ve been fighting pregnancy fatigue and nausea and just haven’t even looked at this website. I cannot guarantee that I’ll pick up the posting any time soon, but I’ll try to do something here and there.


So excited for ME3 after reading the trickles of information coming through various magazine sources! Kaidan Alenko <3 forever!

On another note, I have recently joined and been enjoying pinterest. Check it out! I need to link my account. I wonder if I can rss feed my pins…

On a family note, Alex has had his first significant illness. An ear infection that required antibiotics. He had a fever, sore throat and (still has) a nasty, runny nose. Now Mom and Dad are getting sick from being coughed and sneezed on, not to mention the lack of sleep. Ah, parenthood. He was so adorable in his suit at the Saturday wedding of our friend, Degs.