You guys, I have all these ideas that I want to put into action. Stories I want to tell. Endeavors I want to launch with friends. But I wonder if I’ll ever have the discipline to put things into motion, much less stick with it.
Granted, I am currently parenting a rambunctious 3 year old boy while 5 months pregnant with my second child. I’m exhausted, physically and mentally. My husband has been in video game industry crunch time for the last month or two, maybe three, I’ve lost track. I am constantly overwhelmed by this sense of urgency to pay off a more-than-a-molehill-not-quite-a-mountain of debt.
Maybe these are all just excuses and the truth is that I’m just too lazy to put in the extra effort that would be required. Even with all my complaints about life, it has been easy for me. I’ve never had to try hard. I’d say try hard just to skirt by, but the truth is I typically clear the hurdles in my life with very little effort and a lot of room to spare. Boy am I spoiled.
I have come to realize that the OCD I always joked about being mildly saddled with may actually be real. My compulsions are mild, but all my life, whenever I’ve been faced with the possibility of failure, I tend to disappear into a book or my imagination until the very last second, when I have no choice but to do whatever it is. I have always struggled with my perfectionism and it has been hard for me to put myself out there unless I can guarantee that I’m going to be absolutely awesome. The easiest way to completely disinterest me in anything is to say “Oh, don’t worry about that, do it as quickly as you can and ignore all those mistakes.” Otherwise known as We Don’t Have Time To Fix It. And then I’m all, “Well, fuck it! What’s the point of trying at all? Do-do-do, gonna look this fascinating thing up on Wikipedia…”
3 hours later… “Oh shit! I have to get this work done.” Stress. Stress. Stress. Maybe I get it done in time, maybe just a little bit late. And then I berate myself for putting off til tomorrow what I should have done today. A bit like this post, eh?
I’ve discovered and admitted my faults. When does Step 2 of this internet self-help thing kick in? Am I going to be playing Skyrim for the rest of my life?
More on the OCD front, because people are always, “No, you don’t have a real disorder. You just have a discipline problem.” I experience minor irritation at things being “not quite right”. Doesn’t matter what it is. Paragraph font size changes half a point in the middle of a page? Eye twitch. One sleeve is slightly longer than the other when pulled up on my forearms? Physically uncomfortable for the rest of the day. When things are not put away properly in their place I experience blind rage. Ask my husband. I often consider smacking him with that wooden spoon he put away in the drawer instead of the container on the counter Where. It. Belongs. TV volume up too loud? I will murder a bitch. Seriously. If any of you ever hear of me snapping and going on a murderous rampage, the first question you should ask is how loud the TV was right before it happened. FYI, it’s just the TV. I love to rock out with some headphones in or driving in my car. Movie theaters also pose no problem. Fucking weird, right?
OCD doesn’t mean I’m all Howard Hughes. Microbes are fascinating!